Thursday, April 4, 2013

Thinking About Boys

I write a lot about my life.

I may have turned my exes into aliens ...
I write about my friends, adventures we go. I write about things I've made or things I've baked. I write about classwork and homework and working or lack thereof. However, I tend not to write too much about relationships.

I've had three major relationships that I would count in my life. I've dated a few others, sort of. I was never big on the whole dating thing, you know. I had one high school relationship that I hardly count. I had one accidental relationship that is in the process of unspiraling all over me right now. That's a total of five, I suppose.

I think back on my past relationships a lot. They happened, and each was a huge part of my life. None ended so terribly that I block out those times. None was something I regret, even looking and analyzing them from a few years away. Some lasted longer than they should. One was cut short because of my own shortcomings.

They weren't aliens when we dated, I swear.
I'm not one of those people that refuses to talk about ex-boyfriends. I think it's an important part of my past, and if I'm dating you, I want to hear about your ex-girlfriends as well. I want to notice the patterns in both of our past relationships and analyze how they started and ended and everything in between. I want to try and predict how it will go between me and you, although that's impossible.

In the fall of 2007, I could not have predicted that the fall of 2008 would be the beginning of the end. And in fall 2008, I could not have predicted that he and I would still have been together - albeit because we both had trouble letting go - in the spring of 2009.

In the spring of 2009 I would have told you that the new boy was perfect. I could not have told you that by the winter of 2011 I would be dating his new girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. In fact, that one sort of happened out of nowhere.

In the summer of 2012, I wanted a break from it all. I drew a thicker line between friends and hook-ups. I ended up in places I wouldn't want to be now, and I needed to prevent it. I was leading people on. I was giving mixed signals. I was everything I hated.

Now, I think about all the boys and how each taught me something so important about myself and who I want to be. I learned that I need adventure, but also a sense of stability. I learned that I need to feel both cared about and attractive at the same time. I learned that I deserve better. I learned that I don't have to put up with being treated in way no one should be treated. I learned that no boy is ever the only boy out there, and that there will always be someone who thinks I'm worth more than I do.

I've grown up through my relationships, and each ended because I grew away from it. Either I'll find one that's perfect, learning from my past mistakes, or I'll continue learning.

I'm okay with either option.

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